millions of words running in my mind.
millions of nerves trying to integrate and process this feeling.

*fail
*fail
*fail

Trying.
Not to summit to this,
Treachery.
I don't deserve this.
Not this.
I'm a bad person.
The baddest of them all.
I always criticize others for their unstable emotions.
Their idiotic way of handling stuff, their
feeble nature.
Their uncertainties.Their narrow mindset of this stuff.
Yes, I call this A Stuff.
Because I don't respect it.

No, I do.

But I don't want to know it.
Not to be acquaint with it too well.
Maybe last time.
Once upon a time.
Where we were courageous, brave and youthful young people.
We were not afraid.
I was not afraid.

But now I built this wall between me and Stuff.
I built it to prevent any stupidity or uncertainty to corrode me.
I need understanding.
But if you don't, Its okay.

I am so fake.
why? because.

I am now the one who is emotionally-unstable.
I am now the one who have uncertainties.
I am now handling this stuff feebly.
I am a coward.
I take and never give.
I take your wealth and health and food and clothes.

I take away everything.

I am not afraid that you would be angry or accuse me of stealing and possibly throw me to the lion's den.

For I am the thief.

But I am afraid that you would deliberately gain much more to let me take them away again.
I am a beggar.
And you are my savior.
How can this be?

I don't deserve Stuff.
I want you so much.
So badly.
But I know myself all too well.
So when I built this wall between me and stuff.
Don't misunderstand me.
I am not abnormal.
Unusual.
I don't want to be ordinary, yes.
But I don't want to be perceive as a freak too.

I am cold, like icecream.
But ice cream melts under the sun too.

Are you my sun?
why oh why have I let myself into this?

I need.Need to sort this out.
I need.
Not to be so into myself.
I am not myself only, but
so many parts that would make eyes blurred in tears.


I have now three words for you.

C